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Family Matters
By Jeff Kemp
Talking, listening can influence teen attitudes about sex
You’ve probably heard of parents throwing their child into the water to teach them how to swim. Most would agree this method of “instruction” exposes children to dangers they simply aren’t prepared for and is unlikely to teach them the necessary skills to become strong swimmers.
But if you think about it, many parents are using the same basic approach when they throw their children into the “pool” of sexually explicit television entertainment without providing them with “swimming lessons.” If your children watch primetime television, chances are they’re watching programs with sexual content.
A recent study by the Kaiser Family Foundation revealed that three out of four primetime programs, 89 percent of TV movies and 84 percent of today’s television sitcoms include some form of sexual content. Considering the physical risks and emotional dangers of teenage sexual activity, we parents have a responsibility to help our children understand the often-distorted picture of human sexuality portrayed nightly on the TV screen.
If we are hands off and take the permissive approach, we’re just like the parent who ignores the threat of drowning and throws their child in the water to teach them how to swim. But the opposite approach has problems, too. If we try to block out all the negative messages, we will end up like a soccer goalie with dozens of balls coming toward the net at once. We can’t block out all the questionable media images, and even if we could our children wouldn’t learn why these messages might be misleading.
Pre-teens and teens have the ability to think critically. We parents need to encourage this by charting a course between the extremes of excessive permissiveness and parental dictatorship. Most important of all, parents need to be reminded that they have a lot of influence with their teenagers. When Families Northwest conducted statewide research on youth aged 12-18, 60 percent said their parents have “a lot” of influence on their views about family and relationships.
To make the most of their trust, parents have to give children more than a laundry list of “no’s.” They need positive messages about sexuality and a vision for relationships that includes their parents’ values on the subject.
To compete with negative media messages, we need to watch some of the programs our children are watching. We also need to ask our kids questions about what they’re viewing. What message does their favorite TV program send regarding sex and relationships? How would they feel if they were treated like one of the characters?
And once we’ve asked the questions, we need to remind ourselves to listen closely to their answers. If we want our teens to keep the lines of communication open on issues of sex and relationships we’ve got to pay attention to what they have to say.
I was told that when Canadian treasury officials are hired to track down counterfeiters, they literally spend months examining authentic currency. These folks study wet, crumpled and new bills of every denomination under every type of lighting. They get so used to seeing the real thing that a counterfeit sticks out like a sore thumb.
Parents can provide the same training for children when it comes to relationships. Whether we are single or married we can be living examples of what it takes to have healthy relationships and strong marriages. That way, when they see counterfeits in the media and today’s pop-culture, they will know they are only cheap imitations of the real thing.
For most teens, being faithful in marriage is the real thing. When asked in our survey, almost 89 percent of Washington teens said they want to be married some day and 83 percent said remaining faithful to your spouse is “extremely important” to a strong marriage.
Television and movies frequently paint a distorted portrait of marriage, sex and family life. But that doesn’t mean our children have to drown in negative images that cheapen relationships and exploit sex. If we are willing to wade into the water with them, we can encourage their vision for healthy relationships and happy, life-long marriages.
Jeff Kemp is a husband and the father of four boys. He also serves as President of Families Northwest, a nonprofit organization dedicated to making the Northwest the world's premier place for marriage, family life and children.
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