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Family Matters
By Jeff Kemp
Opponents of competition don’t know the score
I vividly remember my shattered emotions after being pinned and losing a wrestling match in the 6th grade to my friend, Doug. But looking back at that defeat, it would have been foolish for my school and parents to discourage wrestling because of my tears.
In fact, on the drive home with my dad his words of encouragement taught me that he loved me even though I lost. Well, that wrestling match would not be my last experience with competition. In fact, I eventually went on to make a living by competing as an NFL quarterback.
For eleven years I was physically and mentally challenged on a daily basis. Coaches, teammates and the fans constantly evaluated me. And to be honest with you, it was downright tough. But the things I learned and the growth I experienced during my days as a professional athlete were invaluable in my most important role as a husband and father. It taught me about interdependence, taking responsibility for my actions and putting my trust in others.
Today at many of our schools dodge ball is out and spelling bees have become rare. Kids' basketball games are frequently played without keeping score. Even grades are frowned on for fear that someone might feel bad. Out of a well-intentioned but misguided concern for kids' self-esteem, many modern educational experts have recommended that schools virtually eliminate competitive activities.
The preference for “non-competition” has also become a gender issue for some. The tendency among boys to compete against one another is now considered "wrong behavior." Gloria Steinem once said "we need to raise boys like we raise girls," and when it comes to competition, it seems that many adults are heeding her advice.
In her book, The War Against Boys,, author Christina Sommers points out that friendship among boys grows faster when they work side-by-side with a common goal. Sommers contends that competition builds leadership and organizational skills.
Our goal should be teaching boys and girls how to compete instead of encouraging them to avoid competition. Perhaps even more important, we need to heighten the positive potential of competition to teach children important character lessons.
Sommers points out that more boys than ever before are dropping out of high school, getting suspended and generally failing academically. These are the husbands and fathers of tomorrow. What can we do to promote higher educational attainment and stronger character in these young men?
One way to combat this trend would be to reinforce the positive values of competition. If schools place competition and sports in the proper perspective, more boys and girls will learn the value and joy that come only when we dig deeply within us to overcome adversity and achieve our goals.
Competition provides an opportunity for children to learn lessons necessary for forming healthy relationships. They learn the need for teammates, teamwork and the importance of cooperation. They are required to make a commitment to a team and tackle tough challenges, which is essential for success at work, in marriage and family life.
Do children need to take part in intense and often fierce competition as I did in the NFL? Of course not. But competitive activities that motivate children to strive for excellence – activities like sports, debate, dance, music and drama – can promote the positive attitude and strong character they will need to form enduring relationships later in life.
Competition properly focused on character and healthy relationships is beneficial for children and trying to eliminate it is a mistake, especially in schools. This is an educational experiment we simply cannot afford.
It’s easy for parents to go overboard and forget that they got their kids involved in extracurricular activities to help grow their bodies, their minds and their character. But soccer moms and football dads shouldn’t be ashamed to tell their kids the score. The truth is, competition can’t be stifled.
What I remember from my ride home after being pinned by Doug wasn’t that I had lost but that my dad loved me and supported me. I might not have that memory if my school cancelled the wrestling program or if dad discouraged me from competing. It’s natural and healthy for young boys and girls to be competitive. The key is for parents, educators and coaches to emphasize character and the lessons learned through competition.
Jeff Kemp is a husband and the father of four boys. He also serves as President of Families Northwest, a nonprofit organization dedicated to making the Northwest the world's premier place for marriage, family life and children.
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