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Real Relationships
With Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott
"What Women Need to Know About Men"
Dr. Leslie Parrott
 I'd never even pretend to have the answer on how we women can relate to a man. The male-female connection is too mystical for such claims. But I do have a few insights that have proven helpful to me and many other women. They have to do with knowing how men are different from us. Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule, but generally speaking, here are a few of the important distinctions — the ones that can make or break your ability to cross the gender borderline.
Men are not as in touch with their emotions as we are.
The first problem women run into when they attempt to explore men’s emotional needs is that men don’t want women to explore their emotional needs. Let’s face it women, relative to us, men should come equipped with an emotional thesaurus. I’m not saying they don’t feel things deeply, but men certainly don’t express their emotions as clearly or as readily as we do. And who can blame them; they were raised that way. Parents, a recent study found, discuss emotions (with the exception of anger) more with their daughters than with their sons. As adults, men naturally tend to have a smaller feeling vocabulary and stuff their emotions. The point? We can’t expect men to identify our emotions or their own as quickly as we do.
Men are more independent than we are.
Here’s a lesson form “Male Development 101”: very early on, males define themselves in relation to their mothers by being different and separate. Their impulse is to go away and assert their masculinity. Men need to wiggle free to do male bonding and to place a great deal of emphasis on work (or golf, for that matter) as an escape from being smothered. But it’s not so much being smothered by the women in their life as it is being smothered by their own feelings of dependency. Men need space to be men. And the more fragile a man’s sense of self, the stronger the impulse is to flee. So don’t expect men to glom on to you and tell you how much they need you. Instead, take comfort in the fact that the men in your life do need you, but most of the time, they are trying to deny how much they need you because it poses so many threats to their sense of masculinity.
Men are more abstract than we are.
While you and I are more likely to talk about our fears, feelings and experiences, men are more likely to talk about ideas, concepts and theories. Men want to tell you what they know. They use conversation to discover factual information the same way an anthropologist uses a pick and hammer to unearth an artifact. Men gather facts, debate opinions and solve problems through reasoned conversation. Sociologist Deborah Tannen calls this abstract style of man-speak “report talk.” It’s well established, so we can’t expect men to be too enthusiastic about conversation that serves as a means with no end. We can certainly talk about our fears, feelings, and experiences to the men in our lives, but we can’t expect them to listen with the same vigilance we’ve grown to expect from our girlfriends.
"What Men Need To Know About Women"
Dr. Les Parrott
“Every woman is a science,” said John Donne. And if we take the time to carefully study women’s needs and how they differ from us as men, we’ll discover some fairly universal principles. There are always exceptions to the rule, but here are some fundamental ways in which women are different from men.
Women are not as independent as we are.
Let’s face it, we love the mystique of the rugged “Marlboro Man” image. Sure, it’s cliché, but we can’t get over this tough-minded, lone cowboy who reports to nobody as he freely rides the range. Women, on the other hand, couldn’t give a can of beans about protecting their autonomy. They prize what Harvard’s Carol Gilligan calls “a web of connectedness.” Just as we are threatened by a challenge to our independence, so are women threatened by a rupture in their relationships. So don’t expect women to fully understand and accept your “need for space.” Don’t expect them to romanticize your independence. Instead, do yourself and your relationships with women a favor — bite the bullet and let them know you value the relationship even when you need to ride the range.
Women focus on the here-and-now more than we do.
Someone defined the future as a place where men spend most of their time. You and I both know that’s not exactly true. But it becomes more true in comparison to women. While we are scheming plans and solving problems for a better tomorrow, most women are asking, “What’s going on right now and how do I (and others) feel about it?” Women focus on current feelings and experiences because these build emotional bonds of connection between them. So while we men are more interested in the “report” of what has happened and where we are going, women are more interested on building “rapport” right now. The bottom line is that if you want to get down to the task of solving problems for the future with the women in your life, you must first take the time to explore their feelings about the present.
Women are not as competitive as we are.
As little kids growing up, boys play games in large groups with an emphasis on winning. Competition is the name of this male-gender game, literally. Little girls, on the other hand, play together in small, intimate groups, with an emphasis on minimizing hostility and maximizing cooperation. The same emphasis follows both genders into adulthood. As men, we still want to prove our point, keep score, and win the debate in conversation, while women are more likely to sacrifice superiority as the price for keeping peace. It’s not that one mode is necessarily better than the other, they both have their strengths and weaknesses. But if we want to build a healthy relationship with the women in our lives, we must honor their cooperative spirit and take care not to step on their toes.
Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott are co-directors of the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University. Their books include Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages, Becoming Soul Mates, and The Love List. Click on www.realrelationships.com to learn more.
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