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Real Relationships
With Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott
"A Lesson Relearned From Newlyweds"
 When they married 18 months ago, Kim never would have dreamed she’d find herself complaining that her husband Steve didn’t show her enough affection. “He was so attentive that he would notice if I changed a part in my hair or bought a new blouse,” Kim says. But the loving words and compliments come a little less often now.
Kim and Steve aren’t alone. The frequent expressions of affection and approval that couples give each other during the courtship and honeymoon stage can dwindle during the first years of marriage - and if we are not careful remain at a low ebb for years to come.
Let’s make this perfectly clear. Contrary to the fairy tales we were weaned on, romance runs the risk of fading. No, let us rephrase that - romance always fades. As human beings, we aren’t built to maintain the high levels of feverish passion and romance experienced during the early days of engagement and the honeymoon. Even the more mature stories of doomed love reinforce this notion. Remember the tragic twosome Romeo and Juliet? How about Lancelot and Guinevere? Rhett and Scarlett? Each snuffed out their powerful love while the heat of passion was turned up full blast. Why? Because it couldn’t last. The heat of passion was never meant to.
However, that doesn't mean we are doomed to never enjoy the romance of a honeymoon again. Not by a long shot. In fact, researchers have found that the deepest and most satisfying marriage moments in a couple's marriage are enjoyed during their second half. So what's the secret of couples who keep romantic love alive decades after the honeymoon has ended? It’s quite simple: They cultivate the honeymoon habit.
Whatever its meaning, its length, or its location, the honeymoon is supposed to be, as Merriam Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary says, “A period of unusual harmony following the establishment of a new relationship.” We hope your honeymoon was harmonious, but even more, we pray that your second half of marriage is characterized by a deeper level of harmony and love than you've ever known before. If it’s to be, however, it won’t depend on our good hopes and prayers as much as it will depend on you cultivating romantic habits that may have faded.
Begin today by paying attention to the little things. Consider, for example, common courtesies like saying please and thank you. Or how you greet one another when returning home. If you reconnect with a tender touch or embrace at the end of your day, you set a positive tone for your entire evening together. “Well, of course we do that,” you may be thinking. Don’t be so sure. The vast majority of couples end up with what researchers call the “grocery list” connection: “Did you pick up my dry cleaning?;” “I’ll need the car tomorrow;” “What’s for dinner?”
Over the years many couples return to the place of their first wedding trip for a second, third, or fourth honeymoon. It seems many work hard to recapture the bliss of their first few days as a couple. Perhaps you've done the same. But don’t wait for an anniversary or special occasion to recreate that special time. Keep love alive — starting today — by cultivating daily habits of romance, intimacy, and even common courtesy.
Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott are co-directors of the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University. Their books include Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages, Becoming Soul Mates, and The Love List. Click on www.realrelationships.com to learn more.
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