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Family Matters
By Jeff Kemp
Resolve to have a great marriage this year
It’s that time of year again. The holidays have come and gone and many of us are now facing the long winter months in which we’ll be forced to answer that nagging question, “will I make good on my New Year’s resolutions?”
In today’s independent, “self help” culture, New Year’s resolutions are almost exclusively about “me.” Whether it’s starting a diet, exercising more, quitting smoking or working one’s way out of debt, most resolutions are almost entirely focused on the improvement of one’s own health and well being.
But when the Christmas lights are finally taken down and all the holiday parties have come to an end, how many of us actually resolve to improve the health and well being of our relationships?
In a recent column on New Year’s resolutions, nationally syndicated radio talk-show host Dennis Prager stated that resolutions focused on self-improvement are fine and often worthwhile, but wondered why more adults don’t resolve to improve their marriages at the start of the New Year.
“Any married person will tell you that there is no surer way to misery than a troubled marriage,” stated Prager, “so it is strange and unfortunate that people rarely make New Year’s resolutions to improve this part of their life.”
Prager went on to say he thinks most married couples care about improving their relationship but many don’t know how. I agree. Most people will tell you they want a healthy relationship with their spouse, they just may not have the skills or knowledge needed to make it happen.
The fact is, we know more today about what makes a marriage strong and vibrant than ever before. Each of us must resolve to take advantage of the vast amount of knowledge and resources available for making our marriages the best they can be.
If you’re married and want to make improving your relationship with your spouse a high-priority addition to your list of New Year’s resolutions, consider the following suggestions from clinical psychologist and newspaper columnist Dr. Val Farmer on how to work toward having a great marriage in 2004.
- Honor your vows.
In the ups and downs of life, the only thing you have to fall back on is your character and honor in keeping the promises you made to each other at your wedding. Protect your marriage by having strong boundaries with opposite sex friendships. Be loyal in the way you speak publicly about each other. Keep your partner’s confidences.
- Show love through actions on a daily basis.
Anticipate and meet his or her emotional needs through daily acts of love and consideration. Be there for each other in times of joy and times of sorrow. Sacrifice for his or her goals, growth and dreams. Have a willing attitude about pleasing your partner and responding to requests and concerns.
- Express affection, admiration, appreciation and fondness.
Expressions of love and appreciation for special qualities or efforts mean a lot. This should go beyond words and includes loving notes, special looks and warm embraces. Show excitement and interest in your greetings and fondness in your farewells.
- Share your lives through emotional intimacy.
Create and share a private world where you confide deeply about life, joys, fears, hurts, frustrations and challenges. Talk often and openly about feelings and wonderment. Stay in touch with the details of each other’s emotional lives.
- Enjoy each other’s companionship.
Spend time together in mutually enjoyable activities. Laugh and play together. Have adventures together. Take time for yourselves as a couple and nourish your marriage.
- Keep romance alive.
Surprise your spouse with a vacation, a special date, flowers, candy, special gifts or whatever excites them. Take the time to really know each other so your surprises have meaning.
- Operate as a team.
Share household responsibilities as equals. Parent as a team. Manage money as a team. Plan and make decisions together.
- Be quick to apologize and forgive.
Every relationship will have its emotional wounds and trauma experiences. Try to learn about the impact of the mistake, acknowledge the harm that is causes, make amends if possible, ask for forgiveness and commit to preventing the hurt from occurring again. If you are on the receiving end, be quick to forgive.
- Develop skills for resolving conflict.
Conflict resolution involves good listening, communicating clearly and not interrupting each other. It involves willingness to compromise. It especially means minimizing angry outbursts, selfish demands, defensiveness, criticisms, contempt or stonewalling to avoid the issue. Couples need to have a plan in place to disengage when emotions are heated and to re-engage in the same discussion within a reasonable time frame. Have a great year in the most important way - relationally.
Jeff Kemp is a husband and the father of four boys. He also serves as President of Families Northwest, a nonprofit organization dedicated to making the Northwest the world's premier place for marriage, family life and children.
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