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Family Matters
By Jeff Kemp
Kids want an extra helping of family time
Raising four boys has provided my wife Stacy and me with many fond family time memories. But it was an incident when our family’s time together was cut short that taught me just how important family time really is.
Midway through my son’s fifth birthday party I had to leave for a speech in another part of the country. About seven months later, this little guy was playing in the house when he asked my wife, “Mommy, is daddy going to be at my whole birthday party next year?”
Kids notice when you’re there and when you’re not. And research has shown that most children, including teens, like being at home with their family and want to spend more time with their parents.
The Families Northwest Teen Relationships study revealed that more than 75 percent of teens “really enjoy being at home with their family.” Almost 56 percent said more time spent with their father would improve the quality of their life and 53 percent said more time with their mother would improve their life.
A recent poll commissioned by The Center for a New American Dream found that nearly two-thirds of kids aged 9-14 wish their parents had a job that gave them more free time to do things together.
Kids are telling us they want more time. But this “family time famine” is not solely the result of parents being too busy or working long hours. Many children and teens today have schedules just as busy as mom and dad. Kids’ sports, music, clubs and other extracurricular activities and hobbies can crowd out quality family time by keeping everyone in the family constantly running in opposite directions.
One age-old family time ritual that is particularly neglected in today’s busy home is the family meal. Nationally renowned marriage and family expert Bill Doherty states that there has been a dramatic decrease over the last three decades in families who have dinner together regularly.
This is unfortunate because family mealtime is an important means toward building strong families and healthy, well-adjusted kids. A recent study out of the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research found that more meal time at home was the single strongest predictor of children having better achievement scores and fewer behavioral problems.
A U.S. Department of Health and Human Services study of American teenagers found a strong association between regular family meals (five or more dinners per week with a parent) and academic success, psychological adjustment and lower rates of alcohol use, drug use, early sexual behavior and suicidal risk.
Family time is critical to the health and well being of families and kids, and a great way to start developing a pattern of spending time together is by getting everyone around the dinner table. If your family hasn’t shared meals together lately and you’d like to get back in the habit or maybe even start it for the first time, try some the following suggestions.
Make it a priority.
Pick one night a week that everyone agrees to be home on time for a meal and put it on the calendar. It may be difficult at first to make time in your schedule, but you must be intentional about creating family time or you’ll continue to miss out on that much-needed time together.
Be flexible.
You or your spouse may need to commit to leaving for work early in order to get home by the agreed upon mealtime. Some family members will have to agree to wait for dinner until everyone has gotten home from practice or work (if you have young children, plan a healthy snack for them to eat early on). Also, if you find making time for dinner too difficult to start with, find a morning when everyone can have breakfast together.
Initiate conversation.
Time around the dinner table is a great opportunity for conversation and building relationships, but just getting everyone to the table won’t guarantee communication. Tell your kids about a time when you should not have laughed but did anyway. Or ask them what they think is the best thing about being a child. Fun stories and questions initiated by mom and dad can help everyone feel comfortable about talking at the table.
Have fun.
Eat the meal backwards by starting with the dessert first, followed by the main meal, then a salad. Or start the day with a typical evening meal like hamburgers or pasta, and end the day with “breakfast.” Ask the kids for suggestions, too. Though not appropriate on a regular basis, occasional meals handled in this unique fashion can help bond families around scheduled mealtimes.
Jeff Kemp is a husband and the father of four boys. He also serves as President of Families Northwest, a nonprofit organization dedicated to making the Northwest the world's premier place for marriage, family life and children.
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