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Family Matters
By Jeff Kemp
Healthy marriages need daily connection between spouses
Good marriages require a lot of hard work and sacrifice both before and after a couple says, “I do.” But if you watched the recent season finales for two of reality TV’s newest programs, you may have gotten the impression that the hardest work to be done in a marriage is getting yourself to the wedding.
After three months of build-up and suspense, CBS’s “Cupid” came to an end with viewers voting on which of the four final suitors would get the chance to marry the show’s star, Lisa Shannon. When the dust had settled, Hank was the last man standing.
NBC’s “Race to the Altar” finished in a similarly dramatic fashion as Susan and Coyt became the show’s winning couple by defeating Andree & Tonya in three final head-to-head competitions. The couple’s prize was a nationally televised “dream wedding.”
But despite the designation of “reality TV,” this intense, competitive start to the marriage relationship that viewers see on shows like “Cupid” and “Race to the Altar” is not quite reality for most couples planning to make that walk down the aisle.
What is reality is that every couple will face challenges over the course of their marriage, regardless of how exciting or exhausting their journey to the altar may have been. Handling finances, resolving conflict and experiencing a mutually satisfying sex life are all issues that couples must continually work at in order to keep their marriage healthy and strong.
Perhaps one of the greatest challenges many of today’s couples face is simply finding the time to connect with one another in the midst of life’s busyness. The demands of a career, managing a home and raising children often consume the majority of a couple’s attention and energy, leaving little time left over for one another. Too often this results in marriages that have grown stagnant and distant.
Research indicates that in many marriages spending time together as a couple often takes a backseat to other priorities. According to Families Northwest’s 2001 Family Time Report, only 33 percent of married parents in Washington State said they intentionally try to spend as much or more time with their spouse as they do with their children.
The good news is that most couples recognize the need to spend quality time with one another. When asked if “having more time to spend with your spouse” would improve their overall quality of life, 84 percent indicated it would.
Creating a healthy, lifelong marriage is based on an ongoing act of commitment and sacrifice expressed through our effort, our attention and most importantly, our time. After all, the importance you place on things can be measured by how much time you are willing to invest in them.
Most husbands and wives will not always get to spend the amount of time with each other that they would like to, but every couple can be intentional about taking the time each day to make special connections with one another. In his book “Take Back Your Marriage,” author and marriage expert Bill Doherty offers the following “connection rituals” couples can use on a regular basis to restore the strength and intimacy of their marriage:
- Establish a set time every day to talk – just to check in, with no discussion of money, children, or chores.
- Create a greeting ritual that marks the moment and has meaning for the two of you.
- If you’ve stopped going to bed together regularly, start again.
- Leave an affectionate note for your spouse that has no practical purpose.
- Start dating again. Go out on a spontaneous date or plan one right now.
- Spend more quiet time together without the television on.
- Move the television out of your bedroom.
- Notice something you like about your spouse and share it.
- Take one small step tomorrow toward the marriage you would like to have this time next year.
Whether you’ve been married for years or just recently said “I do,” these connection rituals can help your marriage stay fresh, intimate and at the top of your priority list. It’s an investment that will make the excitement of being married remain long after your wedding day.
Jeff Kemp is a husband and the father of four boys. He also serves as President of Families Northwest, a nonprofit organization dedicated to making the Northwest the world's premier place for marriage, family life and children.
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