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Family Matters
By Jeff Kemp
There’s no time like the holidays for reconciliation, healing
For many of us, the holiday season is a time of thankful reflection and meaningful connection with our loved ones. But for far too many individuals today, the holidays serve as a painful reminder of the disconnection and broken relationships they have with their families and loved ones.
In a recent speech given here in the Northwest, NFL Hall of Famer and former U.S. Congressman Steve Largent stated that alienation resulting from separation from one another, especially family members, is what he believed to be the number one problem facing our society today.
He told the story of his own alienation while growing up separated from his dad. After their parents divorced when he was only six years old, Steve never heard from his dad until he was grown and playing professional football. And even then it was only because his dad wanted to get tickets to a game.
The hurt and frustration this alienation brought to Steve’s life was obvious as he shared the painful history between him and his dad. However, this was not the end of the story for their relationship.
After years of firmly believing that he had no responsibility for taking the first step in trying to initiate reconciliation, Steve reached out to his dad in hopes of restoring what had been destroyed so many years earlier. In the process of doing so, his dad’s heart opened toward building a new relationship.
Soon after their reconciliation, Steve’s dad passed away. But his last moments on earth were spent with Steve by his side and peace in his heart, knowing healing had occurred and their relationship had been restored.
Steve went on in his speech to explain that at the root of our society’s alienation problem is a subtle approach to forgiveness and reconciliation that all of us as humans naturally take – the person or party with 51 percent or more of the blame must apologize first.
The trap in this approach, however, is that we all view ourselves to be the party that has contributed least to the problem and therefore no one initiates reconciliation, bitterness grows and alienation continues. The result is an increasing number of broken relationships, broken families, broken marriages and broken lives.
Putting an end to this downward spiral isn’t easy, but it is essential. It starts with each of us making a commitment to end the “blame game.” This means taking responsibility for our part in a conflict or dispute by initiating reconciliation. We must be willing to go to the other person and apologize, forgive and make the effort to start again.
Saying the words, “I’m sorry,” “I was wrong” and “will you forgive me?” requires both humility and courage; humility to put the focus on one’s own mistakes rather than the offenses of the other person, and courage to break the silence by being the first to initiate reconciliation.
Has a pattern developed in your family where the parents never apologize to the kids? Have you and your spouse recently hit a wall in your marriage due to a festering issue or reoccurring fight that no one wants to take responsibility for? Or perhaps you have a relationship with a sibling, relative or even a co-worker that has hit hard times and resulted in separation and alienation?
There is no better time than during the holidays to realize we don’t need to wait for others to fix the wrongs in our relationships. Each of us can take the first step and start the healing process.
This is only “the most wonderful time of the year” when we have hope for the future and freedom from the pain, darkness and despair caused by past hurts. You can allow the light to shine again on a broken relationship with a loved one this holiday season. It’s never easy to do and there are no guarantees, but the potential of a redeemed past and a new beginning is well worth the effort.
Jeff Kemp is a husband and the father of four boys. He also serves as Executive Director of Families Northwest, a nonprofit organization dedicated to making the Northwest the world's premier place for marriage, family life and children.
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