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Family Matters
By Jeff Kemp
Stepparents need extra patience, perseverance
When a married couple is about to start a family friends often say things like, “Kids change everything,” or “Your world is about to be turned upside down.” Most new parents soon come to realize that their more experienced counterparts weren’t exaggerating when they described the dramatic changes the baby would bring to their household.
Children are our greatest treasures, but they also present major challenges to a marriage. To successfully navigate this season of life, couples must be committed to their relationship and invest in their marriage. With commitment and investment, they can grow in understanding and appreciation for each other and their dual roles as wife and mother, husband and father.
This is especially true for remarried couples living with children from a previous marriage. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 75 percent of divorced persons will eventually remarry and 65 percent of all remarriages involve children from a prior relationship.
In addition to the normal challenge of bringing a child into married life, a stepfamily couple must figure out how to form a family with children who have been profoundly impacted by the pain and confusion from their biological parents’ divorce.
The delicate relationship between a stepparent and stepchild can be difficult to develop and often puts enormous stress on the stepparent’s marriage. These high-conflict relationships between stepchildren and stepparents contribute to the high divorce rate among parents of stepfamilies.
The health of a remarriage has profound consequences for both the parents and the children. In his book “The Smart Stepfamily,” marriage and family therapist Ron Deal says, “A strong remarriage is critical for the relational development of the children. Stepfamily children, especially those who have lived through a parental divorce, need to witness and learn from a healthy marital relationship.”
But when the marriage is strained by complications from the stepparent-stepchild relationship, kids often don’t witness the healthy marriage that they so desperately need to see.
The good news for these families is that the stepparent-stepchild relationship is never a lost cause. Committed couples willing to invest in healthy and happy remarriages and stepfamilies can successfully face these difficult challenges. The following tips from “The Smart Stepfamily” show how stepparents can build a successful relationship with their stepchildren.
Enjoy the relationship you have now.
Stepparents who make it their immediate goal to become “insiders” with the children often end up terribly disappointed. The cardinal rule for stepparent bonding is to let the children set the pace for their relationship with you. Learn to find the good in the relationship you have now and be patient. Keep seeking to grow with your stepchildren, but don’t add too much pressure.
Have realistic expectations for your role.
Parents and stepparents tend to assume that children want a close, warm parental relationship with the stepparent. Studies have shown, however, that in the early years stepchildren would like their stepparent to fill the role of “friend” rather than “parent.” Stepparents need to learn to relax into their role and not expect too much of themselves.
Grow into your role.
Authoritative stepparenting, especially within the first six months after remarriage, does not have the same positive outcome that authoritative parenting does in biological families. Authoritative parenting requires parents to set rules and determine structure for children’s lives, as well as display high levels of affection. This kind of parenting is based on a bonded relationship, which does not exist for stepparents until the stepfamily has had time to integrate. Until that happens, a stepparent should focus on developing a warm, friendly interaction style with the stepchild.
Encourage your stepchild to maintain contact with his/her noncustodial parent.
Attempts to replace or compete with a stepchild’s non-custodial parent will almost always backfire and usually makes a stepchild resent their stepparent. Non-custodial parents are not the enemy, nor do stepparents have to compete with them. Effective parents recognize their role as an additional parent figure rather than a replacement parent. Honoring a stepchild’s relationship with their parent and talking openly with them about your role and intentions is also helpful.
Being a parent is hard work and being a stepparent requires an extraordinary amount of patience, perseverance and love to succeed. With that in mind, there’s no reason remarried couples cannot build successful marriages and raise happy, healthy children.
Jeff Kemp is a husband and the father of four boys. He also serves as President of Families Northwest, a nonprofit organization dedicated to making the Northwest the world's premier place for marriage, family life and children.
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