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Family Matters
By Jeff Kemp
The smart stepfamily can overcome relationship barriers
Being traded from the San Francisco 49er’s to the Seattle Seahawks in the spring of 1987 was a painful and confusing experience. Not only was I forced to re-locate my family to a new city, I had to get acquainted with a new coaching staff, learn an entirely new offensive system and work to earn the respect of my new teammates.
Though the transition was difficult, I understood that playing pro football was a transient profession. In a matter of just a few weeks I had become a loyal, integrated member of the Seahawks organization. Being a quarterback was my job, and it didn’t take long to “get down to business.”
Not all transitions in life are that simple to move on from, especially when it comes to family relationships. This is particularly true with the formation of stepfamily arrangements that result from divorce and remarriage.
With the exception of some famous fairy tales, the phrase “stepmother” was rarely spoken thirty years ago. But nowadays “stepmother,” “stepfather” and “stepfamily” are commonly heard descriptors of family relationships.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 75 percent of divorced persons will eventually remarry and about 43 percent of all marriages are remarriages for at least one of the adults. Many of these remarriages involve children from either one or both of the adults.
No one entering a first marriage ever hopes that they would someday remarry and live in a stepfamily arrangement. But the reality is that many couples today are finding themselves as part of a stepfamily and are trying to find long-term success and happiness the second time around.
In his book “The Smart Stepfamily,” marriage and family therapist Ron Deal says, “a stable marital relationship is the backbone to a stable stepfamily journey.” Divorce trends among remarried couples, however, would indicate that building such a relationship is no easy task. According to Census Bureau statistics, currently six in ten remarriages end in divorce.
But as author Glenn Stanton points out, couples who remarry would seem to have a number of seemingly advantageous characteristics over couples involved in a first marriage, including being older and more mature, and having more time to search for a spouse who can satisfy their needs and preferences. Yet the divorce rate is distinctly higher for remarriages than first time marriages.
Every marriage encounters challenges, but remarried couples in stepfamily arrangements must face their own unique set of challenges that first time marriages don’t. In particular, Deal identifies two key barriers that can hinder a couple’s ability to build a stable marriage in a stepfamily context. He calls these the “parent-child allegiance” and the “ghost of marriage past.”
As stepchildren work through the confusion and resentment often felt in a new stepfamily arrangement, it is common for a parent to make their biological child a higher priority than their new spouse. Unless the couple can form a unified position of leadership, the allegiance between parents and children often wins out over the marriage.
But according to Deal, it need not be that way. The key to overcoming this “parent-child allegiance” barrier is unity. Unity within the couple’s relationship bridges the emotional gap between the stepparent and stepchildren and positions both adults to lead the family.
The “ghost of marriage past” barrier exists when an individual allows their new marriage to be colored by the experiences of their first marriage. When circumstances in the new marriage remind someone of negative events in a previous marriage, the person becomes frightened and reactive.
Deal explains that the way to overcome this barrier is to examine how you have been influenced by your previous relationships and strive to adjust your responses to similar circumstances. Additionally, Deal suggests admitting your “ghosts” to your spouse and enlisting help as you fight to change your behavior.
Since remarried couples face the same issues that first time marriages do, such as conflict over money, sex or the in-laws, they are often blindsided by these unique remarriage challenges. Too often the result is another failed marriage and broken family.
All couples who desire a lifelong marriage must make their relationship a top priority. But the reality is that in order to achieve marital success, stepfamily couples must work harder and smarter at their marriage than anyone else. The good news is that with the proper preparation, resources, support and personal investment, it can be done.
Jeff Kemp is a husband and the father of four boys. He also serves as Executive Director of Families Northwest, a nonprofit organization dedicated to making the Northwest the world's premier place for marriage, family life and children.
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