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Real Relationships
With Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott
"Is it Possible to Recover From Infidelity?"
 “What I am writing in this note will be shocking to you, but I can’t withhold the truth any longer. I’m tired of living the lies. I’m having an affair with a man I met at work. He’s younger than me and I guess I got pulled in by his compliments and flirtations. Anyway, I can’t pretend any longer. I wanted you to know the truth and if I had more courage I’d tell you in person, but this note is the best I could do. I’m sorry. I really am. I know I’ve hurt you and I never wanted to do that. I hope you will make this easy for both of us, and for our kids.”
With this small note, the world falls off its axis, self-esteem is shattered, lives fall apart, and an unsuspecting spouse is left trying to pick up the pieces. Everything that was stable has been rocked by infidelity.
Is it even possible to recover? you wonder. The answer is yes. If two people are willing to slog through the pain and anger of one of the most devastating experiences a husband and wife could ever encounter, they can save their marriage. There are countless couples who are living testimonies to the fact that a relationship that has been jolted by unfaithfulness can be restored. We’ve talked to dozens of them and here are some of the helpful suggestions we’ve gleaned.
To the spouse who had the affair:
- “First and foremost, sever all contact with the third party immediately.” Clear boundaries need to be established if you are wanting to rebuild the trust you have broken with your partner.
- “You must be willing to answer any questions from your spouse.” This is not because your partner needs to know all the details of what went on, but they need to know they have your willingness to give them the details. It shows respect, honor and equality. It shows that you can be trusted in the future.
To the spouse who has remained faithful:
- “You should only ask questions if you really want the truth.” Some things may be better left alone if you can do it. You must also steer clear of the temptation down the road to use any information you ask for as a way to beat up your partner for other problems.
- “It may take years to absorb the emotional impact of what has happened.” Adultery is not something you can get over quickly. It’s important to give yourself plenty of recovery time.
The number one goal for both partners is to rebuild trust. In the weeks and months after Susan’s husband Larry had an affair, she found herself doubting him any time he was late coming home or not available when she called him at work. For years she had never questioned him about those things, but with his infidelity fresh in her mind, she had a hard time believing his explanations.
To build trust, Larry worked on changing his pattern. He tried to let Susan know if he was going out later than usual or away from the office. After a while, though, having to check in with his wife began to make him feel stifled and controlled. By then Susan could see Larry’s efforts to be accountable, so she didn’t need to check on him so much. After that, Larry’s calls became an act of love rather than duty.
Catherine and Walter changed some behaviors too. Walter told Catherine the time of day when he typically felt tempted. They made a pact that he could call her for encouragement any time his mind began to wander into improper fantasies. Eventually, these calls became opportunities to express their love and passion for each other, instead of just an update on his struggle.
It’s incredible to see what once appeared to be an irreparable wound transformed into a catalyst for growth in marriage. If you are struggling with betrayal of trust, know that you are already living with the “worse” in “for better or worse.” With God’s help and healing, even the most serious betrayal can be overcome when you make right what has gone wrong.
Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott are co-directors of the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University. Their books include Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages, Becoming Soul Mates, and The Love List. Click on www.realrelationships.com to learn more.
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