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Family Matters
By Jeff Kemp
Mentors and Small Groups: Guiding Couples Through Relationship Turbulence
I’ve been told that fighter pilots train intensively on emergency procedures and commit them to memory. These training exercises are repeated again and again so that when an emergency occurs in battle, the pilot will act reflexively based on memory rather than attempt to exercise split-second judgment in the heat of the moment.
Those who train fighter pilots know they can’t be expected to exercise sound judgment and make good decisions under extreme stress. But with practice, pilots gain the skills to handle difficult situations and increase the odds of emerging from a conflict with their aircraft and crew intact.
This kind of preventive strategy can benefit our family relationships too, especially the marriage relationship. Even the best marriages face conflicts and disagreements that can place their “pilots” under stress. Being deliberate about building healthy relationship skills today can prepare us for any turbulence we might encounter tomorrow.
Many couples and families deal with conflicts in the heat of the moment. This approach all too often results in a spouse or parent activating their ejection seat when battles grow heated and words become weapons.
One of the best resources for implementing a preventive strategy in our marriage and family relationships is to seek the wisdom, support and encouragement of seasoned couples and parents.
Marriage mentors and parenting coaches are usually trained couples who have already experienced years of marriage’s ups and downs. They can give engaged and newly married couples “emergency procedures” to constructively address difficult issues with kids, money and sex before family conflicts escalate into full-fledged wars.
Many young couples hit hard times soon after their wedding day because no one explains how to address seemingly small issues that can cause very big stress. Who’s going to be in charge of the checkbook? How will you handle the holidays and visiting in-laws? Does one or both of you plan to continue in school? How will you educate and discipline your children?
Learning how to discuss these issues ahead of time rather than reacting to them when they arise can reduce conflict and confusion. Drawing from both the abundance of relationship-strengthening resources available today and the wisdom from their own experiences, trained marriage mentors can teach younger couples how to effectively communicate, resolve conflict and manage household finances.
Another way to tap the wisdom and support of other married couples is through marriage small groups. A marriage small group is an intimate community of couples that meet together regularly for mutual encouragement and support. Perhaps most important, a small group is a non-threatening forum for improving communication skills. As couples interact in a guided small group setting they learn to act as a team when they discuss issues and communicate with others.
The Smalley Relationship Center, a marriage education organization based in Branson, Missouri, reports that “couples in small groups double their chances of staying married and increase their marital satisfaction by as much as 72 percent compared to couples who were not in small groups.” Dr. Gary Smalley, the center’s founder, also found that participants learn new and healthier parenting skills by being involved with a small group.
Another benefit to small groups is that individuals and couples have an opportunity to overcome and change some of their dysfunctional behavior simply by learning that their faults and weaknesses are often similar to those of others.
No marriage or family is immune to challenges. But every couple and every parent can learn to deal with conflict constructively. Whether you’re engaged, newly married or have been married for a few years, marriage mentorship and marriage small groups can be a source of growth, education and encouragement that helps build a lasting, happy marriage and prepares you for the challenges of parenting.
Then, as your marriage encounters turbulence and skirmishes in mid-flight, you and your spouse can complete your mission intact rather than hitting the eject button.
Jeff Kemp is a husband and the father of four boys. He also serves as President of Families Northwest, a nonprofit organization dedicated to making the Northwest the world's premier place for marriage, family life and children.
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