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Real Relationships
With Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott
"When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages"
 If you were to get out a yellow pad of paper and outline ways to make a marriage miserable, I doubt you could come up with a strategy that tops the real-life relationship of Ted and Liz. They sailed along smoothly in the early years of marriage, working through common struggles such as communication break-downs. But shortly after the birth of their first child, Ted and Liz were bowled over by a series of unpredictable jolts.
First, Liz was struck by breast cancer. It was an anguishing experience that impacted every aspect of her life and her marriage. Four years later, Ted lost his job because of an affair with a woman at work. Repentant, he begged Liz to stay with him and, after much agonizing, she did. But as they worked to repair the immediate damage Ted inflicted on their relationship, it was compounded by his lack of work. Picking up the pieces of his life made seeking out a job all the more difficult and the couple soon fell into financial straights.
Their difficulties did not end there. Ted's younger brother was killed in an automobile accident and that pushed Ted over the edge. He sank into a severe clinical depression, leaving Liz with a small baby, a meager budget and an emotionally detached husband.
Some - maybe most - couples would not recover from all these calamities. Any single one of them is enough to bring down many a good marriage. But today, nearly two decades after the birth of their first child, Ted and Liz are still very much together and happily married. If you didn't know their story, you'd probably have no idea of the suffering they've endured. Why? Because they learned to battle their bad things. Not quickly. Not easily. But over time, gradually, step by step, Ted and Liz refurbished their marriage. And if you were to get out your yellow pad of paper and outline just what a happy couple looks like, you'd be hard pressed to find another couple that would come closer to that description today than Ted and Liz.
What Good Couples Do Right
Good marriages that have bumped into bad things do not recover quickly. Not generally, anyway. And smart couples do not buy into instant success plans that promise hurried ways to heal hearts or rapid roads to renewed relationships. They know better and, instead, expect slow progress, steadily building one marriage accomplishment upon another, like a game that is won one play at a time, or a building that is built brick by brick. Smart couples don't expect the world to fall into their laps. It never has. But somewhere deep in the soul of every marriage, a husband and wife will find what Orison Marden calls their “slumbering powers.” And these astonishing powers, when awoken, will rise up, look bad fortune in the face, and begin to revolutionize their relationship. It may be a gradual revolution, but it is a trust-building, heart-healing, love-renewing revolution, just the same.
If your marriage hasn't stubbed its toe on something you didn't expect, know this - it will. No marriage, no matter how good, is immune to bad things. That's what has set us on a quest to discover what good couples do right in the midst of battling their calamities. Here's what we found.
- Good Couples Take Responsibility for the Good as well as the Bad. They don't believe their problem rests with the other person. They don't waste their time pointing out each other's flaws and foibles. They own up to their part of the marriage pie. They admit their own mistakes so their partner doesn't have to.
- Good Couples Believe that Good Wins Over Bad. They plant a seed of hope in their relationship and allow its tiny roots, in time, to sprout optimism. And that optimism about their future together gives them a picture they can hang onto even in tough times.
- Good Couples Walk In Each Other's Shoes. They know the power of empathy. They work to accurately understand each other's perspective. And that, in turn, gives them more patience and more grace in the midst of their problems.
- Good Couples Heal the Hurts They Don't Deserve. It's nearly impossible to find a successful couple who has not mastered the fine art of forgiveness. These couples know it is the lifeblood for their bruised marriage.
- Good Couples Live the Love They Promise. Once a couple cultivates responsibility, hope, empathy, and forgiveness, it all comes down to commitment - withholding judgment, forswearing vengeance, renouncing bitterness, and actually wishing the best for the person who has hurt them. An untold number of marriages have been saved by little more than this.
This list is a tall order for mere mortals, but it is within reach. And with God's help, you can find the power you never dreamed of possessing to bring each of these qualities to life in your marriage.
Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott are co-directors of the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University. Their books include Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages, Becoming Soul Mates, and The Love List. Click on www.realrelationships.com to learn more.
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